


Making Sense

by ionlywritefree



Series: Autistic!Haru [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Ableist Language, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Autism, Autistic!Haru, Gen, Haru discovers he's autistic!, Makoto and Haru's relationship is so good and pure, Sensory Overload, mentions of bullying, shutdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-22 10:57:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8283427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ionlywritefree/pseuds/ionlywritefree
Summary: Haru discovers that his differences all lead to one huge spectrum of a diagnosis.





	

Makoto was Haru's best friend. Ever since they met, Haru was the one he talked to the most, the one he played with at recess, the one he defended and trusted and admired. Even when others told him to leave Haru alone so he could learn to make his own friends, he just couldn't do it. He would find Haru sitting under the shade of a tree, not interested in the other kids, and Makoto would sit with him. Sometimes they talked. Sometimes they didn't. Either way, Makoto didn't care about getting in trouble as long as he knew Haru wasn't lonely.

Makoto was Haru's best friend, which meant he knew when something was wrong. From first glance, Haru's expressionless face gave nothing away. People assumed he was bored, or tired, or rude, which wasn't the case at all. But now, with their third year of high school starting, Makoto's gut feelings were telling him that Haru wasn't happy. Nagisa and Rei called Makoto the Mom Friend because he felt the need to protect and care for everyone, and he never felt more like the Mom Friend as he walked with Haru to school on the first day. Haru wasn't that talkative in general, but today he was silent. He was paler than usual, and seemed in a deep thought, or distracted.

Makoto talked anyway. He didn't ask Haru questions, but he occasionally filled the silence with comments and thoughts about the upcoming school year, and their swim club. He hoped he wasn't overwhelming Haru. When they were younger, Makoto sometimes didn't know when to stop talking, and the words would spill out of his mouth like a waterfall. Haru would stare at him blankly, unsure of how to respond. If they were near a pool, he'd just jump right back in, even if they'd just got out. Makoto quickly learned not to take it personally.

Haru was just different; everyone knew that. In elementary school (and high school too, honestly), different was 'weird' and 'unwanted'. Haru was no exception to teasing, and the laughter behind his back wasn't exactly muffled when Haru would ramble on about his love of swimming or insist on eating mackerel for lunch every single day. Yes, Makoto would defend him, but he wasn't always by Haru's side.

He sometimes worried that Haru was too dependant on him. People would say that Makoto was silly if he ever revealed that innermost thought, because they assumed that Haru could care for himself with no problems, since he was so reserved and quiet and talented. But Haru did need help sometimes, just like everyone else. Makoto took it upon himself to assist him with these things, like making sure he remembered to eat. He didn't want a repeat of the time in middle school where he fainted after being left alone for a week and only eating a small amount of rice and mackerel. Actually, that wasn't even the first time Haru had collapsed, but Makoto didn't want to think about that now.

What was he originally worrying about, again? Trying to snap himself out of his wandering thoughts, Makoto shook his head a little and noticed they had reached the school. He looked at Haru, smiling. Haru just stared straight ahead, pale as a ghost, his blue eyes widening as the sounds of students having loud conversations, wheels of bicycles and skateboards against the rough ground, and the engines of cars filled the air.

One of those cars really needs to get a new muffler, Makoto noticed, but didn't dwell on it too much. It was just a sound, after all. An unpleasant one, of course, but the car was far away, and it'd be gone soon.

Out of the corner of his eye, Makoto noticed Haru's hands raise up a bit, but abruptly stop and retreat stiffly against his sides before they reached his shoulders. Was he going to cover his ears? Perhaps that was what was bugging his friend. He was usually sensitive to loud noises, after all. He had stopped being so obvious about his discomfort a long time ago, but Makoto could still tell. Makoto could always tell. Rin had once joked that Makoto could read Haru's mind. He wished he had that power today. Maybe then he could pinpoint the exact cause of Haru's distress.

Makoto could always ask, but judging from Haru's tense posture, he wouldn't be in the mood to state what was wrong, so it was useless. Nevertheless, Makoto spoke softly to him.

"Are you okay, Haru-chan?"

There was an anxious silence for a minute, until Haru responded, his voice almost inaudible.

"Don't call me that."

Makoto sighed with a little bit of relief- Haru saying that predictable phrase meant that he wasn't feeling so bad that he couldn't speak.

"Sorry, Haru. You just seem out of it. Want to talk?"

"No."

Makoto respected Haru's wishes and nodded, holding the door open for him as they entered Iwatobi high school for the first time as third-years.

;

Haru didn't exactly know what was making him feel on edge. It was probably a jumble of things. His parents waking him up this morning too early with their loud conversations before they left for work, being unable to sit in the bathtub as long as he wanted, and definitely that stupid car that desperately needed a muffler.

Haru knew he was different. People labeled him 'special', 'weird', 'gifted', 'emotionless robot', and 'socially retarded'. He wasn't oblivious to the name-calling. His parents would tell him that the other kids were just jealous. Jealous of what, Haru did not know. But, trusting his parents completely, he accepted this. He didn't care about his immature classmates.

Okay, maybe he cared a bit. By a bit, he meant more than he should. Well, being teased in front of a friend was embarrassing, especially when said friend had to keep defending him over and over. He was grateful, but was also very self-conscious. Haru was never really sure how to react.

Haru remembered a very long time ago when Makoto would be the one to hide behind him, to depend on him when he felt anxious. Makoto did get frightened easily, so Haru did his best at comforting him. Haru would assure him that the ocean wasn't scary, and water was the best feeling in the world. Other textures, like sand and gravel, could be too rough and gritty. But water was calm and accepting like a good friend, and it made him feel invincible. When Haru would tell him this, Makoto would do a little half-smile and hesitantly dip his feet in the shallow river in the park, with Haru right next to him.

No matter how hard he tried to remember, Haru couldn't recall the exact moment where the tables turned and suddenly he found himself needing Makoto's support when he felt overwhelmed. Probably because there wasn't an exact moment. They always rely on each other. Summer break just made Haru realize how often he depended on Makoto. Haru slowly discovered that certain moments he could ignore and forget in the past now demanded to be brought to attention, not just with himself, but in front of others, too.

Haru found himself doing more and more 'strange' things that he couldn't explain. When Makoto told him that he was going away with his family on vacation for a week during the summer, Haru wanted to tell him a lot of things, such as "I'll miss you" and "Have fun", but he was so shocked he suddenly found himself unable to speak. In fact, he stopped talking in the middle of his sentence. Makoto was confused, and asked him what was wrong. It was as if Haru's tongue was too big in his mouth and was blocking his speech. Even though he was usually comfortable around Makoto, he just wanted to leave and jump into the nearest body of water to stop feeling so unfamiliar in his own skin.

So Haru awkwardly left Makoto's house after five minutes of assurance that there was no reason to feel embarrassed, and that it was normal to get tongue-tied. Makoto was the most nonjudgemental person he knew, an he would've thanked him for his patience... if he could speak. Then he opened the door and got a huge shock to discover that his parents were back from their business trip, three whole days earlier than expected.

Haru loved his parents, but he also liked the peace and quiet of being alone. Now he wasn't prepared for the television being on full blast, his dad making some sort of gross-smelling beverage in the blender, and his mom pulling him into a hug that made his whole body tense up in self-defense. He was never a fan of physical contact. He thought she knew that already. Now, not only were things too loud, he could still feel his mom's arms pressing into his back even though the embrace was only three seconds. Above all that, his parents laughed at his silence. Well, he guessed it was better than them yelling at him and adding to the noise, but it still hurt.

"Oh, our son's always been an oddball, hasn't he? So sensitive to the smallest things."

"He's very peculiar, that's for sure. Always has to have things a certain way."

With that, Haru hopped up the stairs and sat on the floor of his bedroom, not sure what to do. He was a peculiar, sensitive oddball, and now he found himself rocking back and forth with his hands over his ears, trying to make sense of what was going on.

"You're just special, Haru."

"You're completely normal, Haru."

Which one was it?

It was as if each word was to comfort him in such a condescending way. 'Special' was used as a joke with him as a punchline, and 'normal' was used to dismiss his feelings and experiences.

Was he special or normal? He promised to himself that he would search for an answer... when he felt better, of course.

It turned out 'when he felt better' was too long away, so he pulled an all-nighter on his cell phone, and he hasn't really stopped searching since, because things were starting to click in his mind.

Maybe that was the main reason he felt incredibly anxious. His differences were finally making sense, and he had absolutely no idea how to react, or what the next step was, or if he was just jumping to conclusions.

"We're in the same homeroom, Haru!"

While Haru was in deep thought, Makoto had got his schedule, along with his own. Makoto was such a good friend. Haru liked him so much it was impossible to put his feelings into words. Every term in the dictionary could not summarize their sixteen years of friendship. Haru could understand Makoto in a way that he couldn't with anyone else (probably because Makoto was so obvious about his emotions and completely honest with him), and Makoto could practically read his mind.

"Do you want to find Rei and Nagisa before class?" Makoto asked, taking one look at Haru's face before adding, "We don't have to, I guess. Let's find the room instead."

Haru nodded, and he followed Makoto through the crowded, noisy halls of Iwatobi.

;

Makoto tried his best to determine what was going on in Haru's mind. Most class time was spent staring at Haru, trying to read him like a book. All that he figured out was that Haru was nervous about something, and he was fidgeting more than normal. He barely spoke at all, which meant that he had something big on his mind. What is was, Makoto had no idea.

It wasn't until the end of the school day when they were walking home that Haru shoved his cell phone into Makoto's hand. "Here," he said. Makoto noticed a pale blush rise on his face, and knew this must be important.

Haru had five tabs open on the internet, and dozens of bookmarked pages. Makoto skimmed through them, at first very confused. But as he read more and more, he figured out exactly what Haru wanted to tell him, and it was as if a lightbulb turned on in his head.

"Autism?"

Haru slowly nodded, rambling in such a quiet tone that Makoto could barely hear him. "I've only been learning about it since the summer, I don't know, it just seems like maybe... maybe..."

"Sounds like you, doesn't it?"

Haru looked up at Makoto, his eyes wide with sudden hope and validation. "Really?"

Makoto smiled genuinely. "Yeah. I don't know much about autism, but you have these traits. Is that why you were so nervous before? You've been thinking about this a lot, and you weren't sure what to do next."

Haru nodded again. "It's just... so much to take in."

"I'm really glad you told me," he replied cheerfully, still reading. "This explains why you can't eat dry food, and your lack of eye contact... This is all really interesting!"

Haru's lips curled into a faint smile. "It's all making sense."


End file.
